In this final part of the trilogy on stress management, I want to look at managing relationships at work. Someone once said that relationships would be easy, were it not for the other person! Knowing whether you are Type A or Type B and the other person’s Type and knowing where your support is coming from is a very important element in helping you to get results. It is also an important element of stress management
Conversely, you need to know who, if anyone, does not care about you or your needs, so that you can minimise any damage that they might do. Working relationships need to include trust, supportiveness, respect for each other, willingness to listen to each other and a willingness to use joint problem solving skills to help either of you as necessary.
If you find that your relationships consistently fall short of the above, then remember:
The only change you can bring about is to yourself.
Don’t waste time trying to change the other person. You will only add to your stress! You may be able to get them to agree that their behaviour needs to change, but it is not the role of the manager to try to change someone’s personality. It is important when giving feedback, for example, to make it clear that you are addressing their behaviour, not them as individuals.
The Manager
Major stress management issues can occur when the problem relationship is with your manager. One of the things I have noticed as a consultant, is that everyone seems to have a ‘bad boss’. Clerical staff complain, supervisors complain, first level managers complain, middle managers complain and senior managers complain. By the law of statistics, since everyone in an organisation other than the CEO has a manager, some of those complaining must themselves be bad bosses! So think about yourself as well as about your manager as you read on. One of the ‘bad bosses’ may be you!
The effects of bad bosses can be seen in many workplaces: people’s ‘get up and go’ has got up and gone, there’s no drive, no creativity, high absenteeism, fear of taking initiative etc.
Stress Management Exercise
How many of these behaviours, these symptoms, are common in your organisation?
| Lack of delegation | Unclear Goals |
| People treated as costs, not as individuals | Managers not ‘walking their talk’ |
| Lack of praise or encouragement | People not being given credit for their ideas |
| A blame culture | Managers hide behind closed doors |
| Lack of discretion with confidences | Poor listening skills |
| A ‘The Boss always knows best’ culture | Quantity of work is more important than quality |
| Staff are seen as a cost, not an investment | Staff are never consulted; change is always imposed |
| Other: |
Stress Management and Handling Conflict
If you need to confront someone, and s(he) is one who often behaves in the ways described on the previous page, plan the encounter. The following may help you:
- Try to think of something that the other person values, considers to be important.
- Describe what (s)he has done, or what you need from her/him, in terms of the thing they value.
- If necessary, describe the effect on you of not being able to deliver what they value, and if appropriate, how you feel about this effect.
Use language that is calm, that is non-judgemental. Don’t be seen to be criticising, rather be seen to be concerned. The aim is to avoid putting the other person on the defensive.
This concludes the three part series of articles. If you want to discuss stress management any further, please do not hesitate to contact LDI Limited